By Morris Abdul Newton
Dir: Toka Mcgrabor, Tunde Apalowo
Starring: Ramsey Nouah, Blossom Chukwujekwu, Ayo Makun, Ali Nuhu, Nancy Isime, Chika Lann, Toyin Abraham, Bro Shaggi, Etinosa Idemudia. 94mins
Between Ali Nuhu’s ‘elevator going-down’ acting, Ramsey Nouah’s hideous biker’s jacket, AY and Chika Lann’s bad acting and my continuous love for Nancy Isime – we might just have summed up this movie. But what can I say? Every dog has its day and so does this movie.
Welcome to the dissection of the ‘merry men’ look-alike titled ‘The Millions.’ Considering that this is a heist story; a sub-genre not yet fully developed in Nollywood but a somewhat tired strain in Hollywood, it would have been mighty good if it was well explored. That wasn’t the case. Rather, not to outdo its predecessors, ‘The Millions’ started on a lame note. The average story idea was there for all to see, but it was lamely brought together with no intention whatsoever.
The opening scenes with Bem (Ramsey Nouah) handling a counterfeiting scheme and another where he engages a prostitute (Etinosa Idemudia) straight from his waking up from sleep were pale. The storytellers could have done better as what is obtainable with other movies of this kind of genre. There was some kind of energy or finesse missing from the get-go and it showed. This is probably me being tired of seeing the same old Ramsey’s acting. I mean, if we consider his delivery of Bem’s expository lines while conversing with Wole Baba (Ayo Makun); “I am a con artist. I trick fat-rich bastards out of their money…” It was a usual delivery, reminiscent of how Ramsey sounds on a normal which is not exactly a good thing as I couldn’t engage the character that was placed in front of me. It was the same old Ramsey. This is where Blossom Chukwujekwu as Jerome was a tad different. It’s not representative of the best of his acting abilities but certainly better than the lead actors.
Most of the lines and dialogue in this film are bad. “Got two football size (balls) between my legs.” “Will make our last gig look like moimoi.” “What happened to your big score? Did you blow it on prostitutes? No. Of course not. I spent ninety percent on prostitutes and ten percent on drinks.” Really? This is so bad that it’s not even funny. A lot of them characteristically came out of AYs mouth, including the annoying ‘Amaka’ lines that we have been so inundated within this sphere. Classic AY.
If you think you were going to survive the onslaught on some of the actings on this, nope… that is also bad and Chika Lann helped us crown it all. Really, I’ll say this again. There is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED for a Producer or Executive Producer to appear in their movie. None at all. Someone else should help me tell them. Amaka (Chika Lann) looked all Cruella-ish in this film with her bad acting adding salt to the pepper of ruins that was already plaguing it. As usual, this Amaka didn’t fail to disappoint.
Now do a sum of the average storyline, average acting, poor lines and bad English language and then you’ll get about a million reasons why I felt sad about this otherwise promising piece. I didn’t get much fun as I would have from it. I think the most fun I got was in my own thoughts of how Ramsey and Blossom ended up together as crime partners like their receding hairlines were a factor for the picks.
Cinematography, lighting and sound were alright but for the chase of the millions yet again. How did those dogs not detect anything? Also, it’s still a wonder how there was never any known proof that the money was in the house and the characters were still going to risk everything to go get it. No deep conflict, no real pressure; just an unconvincing Ali Nuhu. Well played.
Onto another hideous moment – when Nancy’s character appeared after her reveal towards the end, to prove to us that Bem was really not that smart and that we guessed the storyline right all along, why was she wearing the body con? Why?
Just maybe the heist would have made sense if… No. It makes no sense. Who owns the money and why was it kept there again? Oh! Yes. That’s for Part 2 and it’s fair to let the producers know that the extra credit sequence scene that revealed that there is going to be an unwanted second part of this movie earned them a “You come into the cinema and leave dumber than you came in.” line from one of the viewers.
And NO, the Law doesn’t always win in films. Gosh! Nollywood!